On Repentance And Repair

I’ve been waiting for about a year to share my thoughts on Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg’s deep dive into the Jewish concept of atonement, On Repentance And Repair. I wanted the post to be thematically linked to the time of year, so I waited for the Yamim Noraim – the days of awe- in between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur when Jews around the world are focused on the process of Teshuvah, attempting to repair past wrongs and become better people. What better time to talk about a book that discusses how both individuals and societies can achieve atonement?

Unfortunately, when I opened the saved file to review my notes, I found they were unusable. Not because they were illegible. (That’s a real issue with me. When other people say they ‘fast draft’ they usually mean they skip difficult scenes or don’t fix their word echos. I literally have typos that result in difficulty determining what word I was attempting to write). The notes were easily interpreted, but I was not the same person as I was a year ago when I wrote them. Frankly, none of us are the same people we were a year ago. So I had to start from scratch. 

The truth is, becoming new people through our experiences is part of On Repentance and Repair‘s central message. Jewish forgiveness, and the process to achieve it, is about changing oneself internally so as to be a different person than the one that committed those actions in the first place. The term teshuva is derived from the root word that means ‘return’ or ‘restore’ in Hebrew. The person that committed harm is seeking to return to God’s ways, restore balance in the world, and there’s a very specific process they are are required to complete. 

Notably the root word for forgiveness was not chosen. That’s because in Judaism we do not require the harmed to forgive, nor do we want the repentant to ask for forgiveness in ways that further strain and harm the object of their misdeed. This is a process that centers the harmed. If participating is not healthy or useful for them, they are under no obligation to do so. It gets more complicated than that – you can read the book to find out the details!- but I’d like to stop and dwell on that concept.

I grew up in a majority Christian society where phrases like “turn the other cheek” are held as the moral high ground. It’s revolutionary to have a Rabbi eloquently remind everyone that they do not have to forgive, that true atonement comes from reparative action and not an empty ritual devoid of true personal change or a grudging ‘I forgive you’ from a victim that has been bullied into it. It removes so much victim blaming and guilt from the scenario and places the onus squarely where it belongs – on the person seeking atonement.

Let’s face it. We’ve all been both harmed and the person performing the harm – whether in a big or small way – and having a process to work through that is essential. When I write romance, I’m careful that my “third act grovel” is actually my “third act reparative action”. Is that different than what readers have been conditioned to expect by mainstream romance? Maybe, but I think it’s healthier and more fulfilling in the end. Even in other genres, I’ve centered entire plots around this desire to right past wrongs and become a different person. It’s the ultimate character arc because it is the one we wish for ourselves.

As a reader, I was also deeply moved to see this conversation coming from someone who was not born a cis male. My options for participating in Judaism were somewhat limited by the unfortunate accidents of my gender and the particular form of Jewish observance I was born into. I sometimes wonder if I might not have become a Rabbi if things had been different. While I’ve read many books, both fiction and nonfiction, written by people who are not cis males, Rabbi Ruttenberg’s book was one of the first I’ve read by such a person who uses the term Rabbi and has a newsletter about living life Jewishly. And it’s one of the best books I’ve ever read – period. No qualifiers.

On Repentance and Repair has the power to effect so much change, both on a societal level and an interpersonal one. I opened by explaining that I’m a different person than I was a year ago. Some of that is due to outside forces thrust upon me, but some of that is because I’ve internalized these concepts and tried to become a better person. I’d like to think that while this book is ostensibly about teshuvah, it is also about hope. Because it gives people a way to return not only to God, but also to each other. 

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